Obnoxious Food Network Star Visits Fairhope

I watch Food Network alot. I don't actually cook very much, but I feel highly prepared to based on the number of "30 Minute Meals" I've taken in. I know I shouldn't like Rachael Ray, but I can't really help it. However, I have less tolerance for other Food personalities. Sandra Lee, for example, sucks. She puts store-bought icing on a store-bought cupcake, sticks a dumb flower in it and puts it on her "tablescape." Ridiculous. But even worse than her is Guy Fieri. What a fruit loop. He's like 45 years old and dresses like a gawky teenager from Iowa imitating the West Coast. Armbands, Guy? Really?

Anyway if you've seen "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives," you'll know that he cruises the country in a super-cool Ford Mustang (douche sign #1) looking for all the best down-home cookin'. Which, of course, brought him to Fairhope. (N.B. One local article called Guy "beefy." I think that's putting it nicely.) Guy and his crack team of food tv-ers visited Panini Pete's, which deserves all the fame it can get. I like the tomato and mozz panini with basil and the balsamic reduction. Also the homemade chips. Also the key lime pie.

Pete himself is quite the character. He rides a Segue and wears a weird chef beret. I'm interested to see how this translates on the show because Guy has a tendency to take over and squelch any other personalities in the immediate area. A shock, I know: the guy with the spiky bleached hair craves attention.

I'm hoping Anthony Bourdain will be perusing the Food Network this Monday at 10/9 Central and will see the quaint charm of our little village, deciding at once to pay us a visit. I would take him to Ivy's, which has an awesome tasting menu paired with various wines, and then for a little cultural flavor take him fish-gigging during a jubilee.

Explanation

Careful and diligent reader, you might have noticed a change in the title and explanation of this blog. That is because I have made a post-college graduation temporary move back to my parents' house in Fairhope, Alabama (hold your applause). Fairhope, in comparison to most other places in Alabama, is pretty ballin'. There is the beach but a relatively small number of trashy beach folk, the country but a relatively small number of trashy country folk, and a high number of quality restaurants. It's no Charleston, but until I get my act together, it will do.

You may be thinking that I should just write off the whole celeb blog since I've left a place that a fairly large percentage of the western world knows about. In actuality, Fairhope is a mini-mecca for artists and writers. Fannie Flagg has a house here, as does Rick Bragg. I even was informed during graduation that BRANGELINA is looking for a house here! Don't believe me? Check out WKRG.

So, all that to say, though I won't be covering Charleston, please check back. You never know when Brad and Angelina will turn up at the Winn-Dixie with one of their multicultural babies, and if that's not newsworthy, I don't know what is.

Bad Weather Not Welcome, Says C of C Almost-Grads

The weather widget on my computer has ominous dark clouds and lightning bolts for the next THREE DAYS. This is not ok. The moment I and my friends have been waiting for, that walk across the Cistern in our white dresses, absolutely HINGES on nice weather. We even learned how to graduate at a rehearsal yesterday, so the natives will be restless if we're instead herded into the North Charleston coliseum. I'm ready to use my knowledge of the graduation procedure.

Discontent with the weather abounds. Facebook statuses (statii?) like, "Sara is not pleased with the three-day forecast," and "James says if it rains I'm suing the College," are rampant. I'm waiting for, "X is pretty convinced God is punishing C of C students for four years of debauchery with sin-cleansing rain on graduation."

Plus, I was hoping for a lovely picnic on Sunday with my fam! Fingers crossed, everyone.

JUSTICE in CHARLESTON

Ladies and gentlemen, brace yourselves.

The North Carolina State Bar Association is in town, gracing Charleston with the greatest legal minds from what happens to be my least-favorite state thanks to an unfortunate bee attack in 1996. But, while they do dress in the most extreme version of douche-prep (this means You, guy with fishing hat tucked in the back of his fishing shorts last night at Beerworks), these lawyers are not celebs.

Except. For. One.

NANCYGRACEISHERE!!!!!

That's right. Recently delivered of what are no doubt space babies, Headline News legal eagle Nancy Grace (tagline: "You want stories. She wants JUSTICE.") is apparently a member in good standing of the bar association and as such is enjoying a vacay with her work colleagues. My fingers are crossed hoping that she hasn't practiced law anytime recently. Like ever.

I was prowling the Marion Square market this morning with a partner-in-crime hoping to spot Ms. Grace, but unfortunately she was nowhere to be seen. My prediction? She got a little tipsy with Extreme Akim at the open bar and...well, you know the rest.

Many thanks to our barista contact for the scoop on the conference at Marion Square. Watch what you say in Starbucks, y'all. The walls have ears.